Over the years, I’ve been confronted by dynamic single women with one overriding question,
“I am a together sister, hold my own financially, funny and cute as hell…what is the problem!?”
So, I decided to make it a Facebook status update and see what responses I’d get from my friends on the topic. I altered the quote a bit and just wait until you’ve had a chance to read the comments.
Of course several women debated earnestly the term, physically fit, of which I agreed is both relative and subjective. You would expect a number of guests on my page to get heated over the post in general but the issue got so hot I could barely keep up with the responses from both men and women.
After the initial shock and awe of a few initial opinions, it was very interesting that some women appeared repulsed and disappointed by various answers given by other females. I also found it remarkable how women were more accepting (tolerant) of the views that men shared during the discussion. After 60 or so comments, a dear friend asked, “We’re still having this conversation? Seriously?” Unfortunately, it’s still necessary until something concrete happens. Maybe this is a good beginning for that. I’m using my Facebook powers for good.
In efforts to offer my findings as an avenue of assistance to black women specifically and the black community in general, I’ve grouped, analyzed and shortened the data compiled (250+ comments). I asked, my Facebook friends answered and here’s what they said:
Mondella’s evaluation is common for millions of black women but often not discussed as part of the current narrative. “I think it’s a choice. Some of us choose to be single and it’s a good thing. Contrary to popular belief, every black woman of a certain age isn’t desperate to be in a relationship or married.”
“They either know themselves too well or don’t know themselves well enough.” When I asked Denise to explain, she provided a savvy retort. “Either they know and have tested themselves and what they will and will not tolerate…. (ergo) tested themselves right out of a relationship….Or, they don’t know their limits and have gone way past what the other party is willing to tolerate.” If you ask me, that’s called pushing the envelope right off the table.
“I’m not that picky Victor, I want a man with a job, car, and HIS own place. Is that too much to ask?”
Even though Traci’s comment was made somewhat in jest, there are twice as many asking for a (straight) dream man with a great career and zero kids.
Jessica’s idea was shared by several people who followed the thread.
“I’d like to think we have raised the bar and refuse to settle for what’s available vs. what we want. Having a warm body is not suffice for me personally, I want and deserve much more… Come trump tight or go home!!!”
“…’Single by Choice’ is most definitely still an option these days… got plenty of male friends and at any time. One of them could be my, uh, next victim.”
Bella, having fun with the topic, kept the issues on point and added levity to a serious problem facing the black community.
When Ronney spoke up, his comment was one brutally honest and probably smacked close to home with a lot of women. He didn’t get much love for it but no one argued against either. “You ever ask a woman what kinda guy she wants… He has to be 6′ tall, have a car, a good job, not be a mama’s boy, go to church, have this, have that…. Now ask a man…. Fine and treats me good……..THATS IT!”
Kymberly shared a valuable lesson for women who might be thinking of settling.
“…I tried that … wasn’t looking for Mr. Right with the good job, money in the bank, taking care of business. Figured I try something new ‘cause it’s not about material things. Won’t ever try it again … lowered the bar and OMG!!!!!!”
Margo’s personal assessment came in a power-packed piece of advice.
“…if you’re hard on every brother that smiles at you and are standoffish then chances are no ‘MAN’ will want to deal with you. But then again some women need to realize that not every ‘MAN’ that smiles at you want you (oops…did I type that). I agree that women should make themselves available….not desperate (there’s a difference).“
“…most of those attractive women usually have self-esteem issues, vanity problems, and can be very shallow…they usually end up with the “bad apples.” The women who are beautiful inside and out, intelligent, and have faith are diamonds in the rough, and will eventually be blessed with the right man.” Zaki admitted his opinion was a vast over-generalization but a ton of truth lies within it.
On the subject of women who look for a man, Lisa chimed in with a golden nugget. BTW, this was a good time to interject an amen, only because I couldn’t spell hallelujah.
“[Women]…look like you want to be found or met. I notice females when I’m out and about, they won’t even say hi! All dude was doing was speaking to you. He didn’t ask for your checking account PIN or your 401K balance, just 2 letters H-I. How can you meet a guy if you don’t speak?”
When Miyoko jumped into the fray, I thought he’d get jumped by some of the women but that didn’t happen.
“Ok…let me give it a go. An attractive, physically fit black woman feels she needs no one, doesn’t have to put up with nothing, which leads her to one thing… loneliness. … there’s a difference between being independent & stupid.” Thanks Miyoko, you’re a far braver man than I.
Beejay, a male friend from college, presented a myriad of issues to consider.
“I think the age range & life circumstances play a role as well. If u have men/women that have been hurt in the past, married previously then they may be shell-shocked, hardcore or too focused on their bio-clock ticking! There is no one answer. Some men/women just wanna play. Some fear commitment. Some (men/women) give the goods up 2 quickly, don’t develop the friendship and have a warp/twisted perception of love/commitment and feel because I was intimate, gave myself then he/she should commit.”
“What we have here… is like a junior high dance. . .boys on one side and girls on the other. Everybody’s looking and talking about who they wanna dance with, but nobody’s moving. Some of the boys go grab the girl that everyone thinks is easy and others follow suit. The girls grab the most popular or most handsome dude, but overlook the others…”
Albert was on to something and also trumpeted by several other men who’ve seen the jock have his pick while other guys just got picked over. We’re all past junior high but unfortunately not enough of us have changed the way we go about choosing mates.
Preston, my line brother from LU, added what everyone was thinking but not many dared to admit. “The truth of it all is that most men are intimidated by black women that got it going on.”
“As far as men, if a sister has it really going on, they get intimidated and feel like they don’t have anything to offer… How about love??”
Joe stopped by to bless us with his Top 10! I believe this one was the most prolific. “…. she boxes herself in when she describes the type of black man she prefers…, height at least 6’3″… when the avg. height is 5′ 10″ or 11″ so that knocks out probably 85% of all black men. …he needs a six figure income…, (only 3% of black men make six figures)…. and he needs to be in church…. etc. But women ask [yourselves] this…. If a man was 6’3″ and had a decent income, are u a good fit for his dating profile?”
There were too many excellent comments to share but you can read the entire thread if your so inclined. J.R. asked me to remind female readers that “It can’t be the guy’s fault [when the relationship fails] every time! Really, EVERYTIME?” We also heard from Lisa that men don’t have to be 100% together cause there are women that are not 100% together but working on it. I think both should bring something to the table though and keep building.”
Men should be reminded that knowing and expecting issues to pop up is half the battle in accepting a mate with all of her flaws in tow. Beyonce’ isn’t perfect either. How do I know? Because she’s human! Issues come with every relationship and with every woman. Every single one!!
Marsha’s comment hung an exclamation point on a spirited but respectful thread. “There’s nothing wrong with being single if that’s someone’s choice. But if it’s not our choice, everything’s wrong with it!”
If you’re wondering what your Facebook friends would say about the same topic. Caution: it will get hot!