A One Time Lifelong Crime

Victor,

I have a man and I believe a serious issue too.  I’m a free spirit but a one man lover, no Casanovia.  For six months me and my guy have enjoyed getting to know one another.  He’s talented, gorgeous and very sweet to me.  I believe he’s honest and I know he’s feeling me.  However, lately he’s been restless and eager to strike out for the west coast to find his self or chase his dreams.  Either way, he’s not as focused about us as he once was.

In additional, he recently confided that he once had sex with another man, a long time ago.  He said he was curious so he tried it but didn’t enjoy it so never did it again.  Since then he’s been married for 5 years and divorced for 3.  While I don’t think he’s into guys, lately he’s been hanging with his model and acting coach who happens to be a gay older man.  When he was supposed to visit me before taking a trip, he spent the evening at his coach’s home.  I don’t think my man is out to hurt me and I believe him when he says he’s not gay.

Doesn’t his five year marriage count for anything?   Does one homosexual act make you gay for life?

Signed,

Bayou Blue

Victor Said…

Bayou Blue,

As you know, discussing homosexuality in the African American community is often as taboo as the act itself so I’ll parse my words.  However I will keep it real because that’s what this blog is all about.

After reading your submission, engulfing your words and feeling your emotions, I know you’re struggling with this situation as well as what to do and how to proceed.  My first inclination as a man and a brother is to tell you to walk away and try to forget the past six months of your life.   My second thought concerns the man you’re dating and I since my crystal ball is in the shop, I’ll just tell you what I think.

Of course there are exceptions but generally straight black men do not typically hang out with gay men.  Many straight men are either repulsed by gay behavior and avoid spending any time alone with gay males if they can help it.  Actually, in most cases, spending evenings at a gay man’s home would be unimaginable.  Even if your man is 100% secure with his sexuality, the fact that he has an albeit brief history of homosexuality coupled with an affinity for his coach’s company should raise an extremely red flag.  Honestly it all sounds extremely suspect to me but you’ll have to decide what you’re comfortable with.  Can you live with a man who I believe is lying to you and perhaps to himself too in additional to your 6th sense that has your emotions tied into knots over this?  Maybe your woman’s intuition kicked in for a reason.  I’m just sayin’…

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Choosing Happiness!

Hello Victor,

I have been following your work for many years and just want to say you are a huge part of what motivates me!! I am so glad to see “Victor Said” back.

Okay onto my situation. Over four years ago my children’s father and I ended a 12 year relationship due to his cheating. I have remained single for the most part (a few dates here and there). We have 4 beautiful children together that range in age of 18-12. As a mom who was raised by a single mom who showed a lot of respect for our home I have done the same. Realizing how devastated the kids (and even myself at one point) were over the break up and just out of respect for the boys and myself I have never brought anyone home. Not one man since their dad left the house. Just never found anyone I deemed worthy of having the privilege to meet my kids and lay up in my house…until now that is!!

The man I am seeing now is someone I can definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with and in an effort to do things right and after about a year of really dating the old fashioned way he and I have decided its time for him to meet the kids. I sat the kids down and spoke to them about how they would feel and really process all of their feelings and concerns before just inviting him in our home. Overall, they understand that dad and I aren’t getting back together and this new person makes me happy so they are willing to try for me. Their dad on the other hand is acting a mess. He has made many threats, is now refusing to discuss anything that has to do with the boys and gives me simple immature answers like “talk to your boyfriend” whenever I try to arrange things like after school pick ups or discipline issues with the boys. In the past he has made empty promises of coming home and working things out whenever he thinks I am moving on and not only does that leave me without the person I was dating at the time (because I believe him and end any communication with the other person) but it also leaves me without him because he then recants, disappears for days, and send us all right back to the day he left the home for another relationship over 4 years ago!! This sista ain’t going for it this go round…those days are over.

At this point I am so confused because he has a mate he lives with (the same person he cheated with) and have made plans to move out of state in the very near future. He is moving on with his life but hindering any efforts I make to move forward with my life. I really want us to maintain our friendship and continue to raise our children as civilized human beings and good parents but how do I do that and make it clear that I have moved on without being rude and disrespectful and enduring the drama?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Sincerely,

Choosing Happiness!!!

Victor Said…

Choosing Happiness,

I’ve known you for years so I overstand how hard it’s been but this is your break out moment.  Of course you’d rather remain civil through this process of moving on, the same process your ex already completed years ago.  He left, you grew, y’all ended!  It’s been broken and non-repairable and way past time to toss in the trash.  I know it’s not that simple when he continually fakes you out time after time but “love oppressors” have no place in our lives.  Now, he’s playing games with his own kids?

Don’t allow him to pull your strings by using the children any longer.  Stand up for yourself and for them.  Truly choose happiness by letting the ex and all of his trickery go somewhere and play.  I suggest telling him how abandoning his kids is squarely on him but that you will do the best you can to be a suitable mom and dad since he refuses to hold his own.

Words are so powerful, both freeing and controlling so whether those words shame him into doing right by the kids or not, it releases you from the hold he has from the other side of town.  Choose happiness and this time don’t look back, don’t let go of this chance to make it count.  Don’t let him steal another second of your future by hanging on to his lies from the past.  Don’t be that chick.  I’m just sayin’…

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Shocked and Awed: My Husband’s Toys!

Dear Victor,

I’m so glad I heard about your blog.  I can’t tell anybody what I’m feeling without ruining my happy marriage.  I mean, I think it’s happy and would have bet my house on it until I saw something that twisted my heart into knots.  Let me start by saying I have a healthy sexual relationship with my husband.  I like toys and he likes to watch so we’re good there because some guys can’t get with that.  However, over a week ago I heard someone in my bedroom moaning.  I walked in to find my husband using one of my toys on himself, with his legs in the air like some female getting her kicks.  I was appalled, shocked and honestly disgusted.  He swore he’d never been with a man but I don’t think his behavior was normal.  I used to be so happy but now I don’t know what to think.  What should I do?

Signed,

Shocked and Awed

Victor Said…

Shocked and Awed,

Uhhh… wow!  I’m searching deep into the recesses of my mind for something to say that might lessen your concern but I’m not sure it’s possible.  However, I think you should take your husband at his word that he hasn’t been with other guys.  While self-penetration doesn’t necessarily mean homosexuality, I can’t help feeling it’s a sign of something your husband wants to get into.  I could be wrong but I doubt it.

Scripturally, the marriage bed is undefiled so everything between man and wife is supposed to be cool.  I strongly suggest you try to deal with his peculiar method of pleasing himself unless or until it becomes so unsettling you can no longer stomach it.  Did I already say wow?  Oh by the way, if you do decide to remain in the marriage, your husband needs to invest in his own box of tricks.    I’m just sayin’…

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Blank Stare and Seething!!

Dear Victor,

My love thang just got complicated and I’m not sure what happened.  I spent three years building a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man.  Although he’s not perfect, he was perfect for me.  However during the past year he couldn’t find a job and dealt with all that goes with unemployment as best he could.  We spent so much time together taking walks and finding ways to be together without spending lots of money.  When my boyfriend couldn’t make his rent, I stepped in and helped out although he protested.  It felt like we were headed for the next level.  Then… he got a good job that pays more than my salary.  Yippee!!

Over the last four months, he’s been very busy with work and hasn’t made much time for me.  I’ve tried to be understanding and supportive but something happened last week that threw me for a loop.  My car started running funny, the dealership said it needs a lot of work.  When I called my boyfriend for a bit of financial assistance, the dude said he didn’t have it because he was saving his money.  What the hell?  After I used my savings to keep his world turning…  Am I wrong to be enraged right now?

Signed,

Blank Stare and Seething!!!

Victor Said…

Blank Stare,

As far as I’m concerned, you’re not wrong at all.  While I’m not sure what happened to the guy who was perfect for you, something certainly has changed; either he’s not that into you anymore, has moved on from what y’all had together and is now thinking only of himself or he’s really gotten into someone else and hiding it.  Regardless, he’s far from perfect now.

Here are a few other notes for you – Blank Stare: For one, he should have wife’d you by now or stopped leasing space in your heart and head.  Two, he should be spitting out cash like an ATM every time he gets paid to make up for your savings he depleted when his money wasn’t right.  Three, it’s unfortunate but you are seeing the results of all the time you’ve invested in his tired butt.  Sorry but three strikes and he’s out.  It’s all over but the crying!  I’m just sayin’…

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Too Grown to Play Games

Hey Victor,

I thought I had a handle on this but now I’m not so sure.  This guy I’ve been seeing for over a year just up and pulled a No Call – No Show.  That’s right, we had a date and he pulled a Houdini.  Now you know that failing to call and then failing to show up for work will get you fired!!  Well, I feel the same level of common respect is due me in our relationship.

When the man finally decided to reach out to me on the following day, he sent a funky text talking about “What’s Up!”  Huh, not his chances of ever getting back up in here.

Some of my friends say I was too hard on him.  What do you think?

Signed,

Too Grown to Play Games

Victor Said…

Too Grown,

By drop-kicking ole dude to the curb, you have sufficiently proven that you do not play.  However, I agree with your girls that you may have pulled the string too soon.  Although I don’t know what excuse he gave for going ghost on you, I still can’t imagine any reason for his behavior.

If he cared about your relationship, he would have called point blank – period.   Unless… he got involved into something he couldn’t find his way out of until the dirt was already done.  Sorry to go there but that’s what comes to mind.  If you still want him, even a little, sit down and have that talk.  Maybe he’ll come clean, tuck his tail between his legs and beg his way back in.  Ain’t nothing wrong with begging!!!  Lots of relationships have been saved that way.  I’m just sayin’…

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Why Are So Many Attractive, Physically Fit, Black Women Still Single?

Over the years, I’ve been confronted by dynamic single women with one overriding question,

“I am a together sister, hold my own financially, funny and cute as hell…what is the problem!?”

So, I decided to make it a Facebook status update and see what responses I’d get from my friends on the topic. I altered the quote a bit and just wait until you’ve had a chance to read the comments.

Of course several women debated earnestly the term, physically fit, of which I agreed is both relative and subjective. You would expect a number of guests on my page to get heated over the post in general but the issue got so hot I could barely keep up with the responses from both men and women.

After the initial shock and awe of a few initial opinions, it was very interesting that some women appeared repulsed and disappointed by various answers given by other females. I also found it remarkable how women were more accepting (tolerant) of the views that men shared during the discussion. After 60 or so comments, a dear friend asked, “We’re still having this conversation? Seriously? Unfortunately, it’s still necessary until something concrete happens. Maybe this is a good beginning for that. I’m using my Facebook powers for good.

In efforts to offer my findings as an avenue of assistance to black women specifically and the black community in general, I’ve grouped, analyzed and shortened the data compiled (250+ comments). I asked, my Facebook friends answered and here’s what they said:

Mondella’s evaluation is common for millions of black women but often not discussed as part of the current narrative.  “I think it’s a choice. Some of us choose to be single and it’s a good thing. Contrary to popular belief, every black woman of a certain age isn’t desperate to be in a relationship or married.

“They either know themselves too well or don’t know themselves well enough.” When I asked Denise to explain, she provided a savvy retort. “Either they know and have tested themselves and what they will and will not tolerate…. (ergo) tested themselves right out of a relationship….Or, they don’t know their limits and have gone way past what the other party is willing to tolerate.” If you ask me, that’s called pushing the envelope right off the table.

“I’m not that picky Victor, I want a man with a job, car, and HIS own place. Is that too much to ask?”

Even though Traci’s comment was made somewhat in jest, there are twice as many asking for a (straight) dream man with a great career and zero kids.

Jessica’s idea was shared by several people who followed the thread.

“I’d like to think we have raised the bar and refuse to settle for what’s available vs. what we want. Having a warm body is not suffice for me personally, I want and deserve much more… Come trump tight or go home!!!”

“…’Single by Choice’ is most definitely still an option these days… got plenty of male friends and at any time. One of them could be my, uh, next victim.”

Bella, having fun with the topic, kept the issues on point and added levity to a serious problem facing the black community.

When Ronney spoke up, his comment was one brutally honest and probably smacked close to home with a lot of women. He didn’t get much love for it but no one argued against either.  “You ever ask a woman what kinda guy she wants… He has to be 6′ tall, have a car, a good job, not be a mama’s boy, go to church, have this, have that…. Now ask a man…. Fine and treats me good……..THATS IT!”

Kymberly shared a valuable lesson for women who might be thinking of settling.

“…I tried that … wasn’t looking for Mr. Right with the good job, money in the bank, taking care of business. Figured I try something new ‘cause it’s not about material things. Won’t ever try it again … lowered the bar and OMG!!!!!!”       

Margo’s personal assessment came in a power-packed piece of advice.

“…if you’re hard on every brother that smiles at you and are standoffish then chances are no ‘MAN’ will want to deal with you. But then again some women need to realize that not every ‘MAN’ that smiles at you want you (oops…did I type that). I agree that women should make themselves available….not desperate (there’s a difference).

“…most of those attractive women usually have self-esteem issues, vanity problems, and can be very shallow…they usually end up with the “bad apples.” The women who are beautiful inside and out, intelligent, and have faith are diamonds in the rough, and will eventually be blessed with the right man.”   Zaki admitted his opinion was a vast over-generalization but a ton of truth lies within it.

On the subject of women who look for a man, Lisa chimed in with a golden nugget. BTW, this was a good time to interject an amen, only because I couldn’t spell hallelujah.

“[Women]…look like you want to be found or met. I notice females when I’m out and about, they won’t even say hi! All dude was doing was speaking to you. He didn’t ask for your checking account PIN or your 401K balance, just 2 letters H-I. How can you meet a guy if you don’t speak?”

When Miyoko jumped into the fray, I thought he’d get jumped by some of the women but that didn’t happen.

“Ok…let me give it a go. An attractive, physically fit black woman feels she needs no one, doesn’t have to put up with nothing, which leads her to one thing… loneliness. … there’s a difference between being independent & stupid.”  Thanks Miyoko, you’re a far braver man than I.

Beejay, a male friend from college, presented a myriad of issues to consider.

“I think the age range & life circumstances play a role as well. If u have men/women that have been hurt in the past, married previously then they may be shell-shocked, hardcore or too focused on their bio-clock ticking! There is no one answer. Some men/women just wanna play. Some fear commitment. Some (men/women) give the goods up 2 quickly, don’t develop the friendship and have a warp/twisted perception of love/commitment and feel because I was intimate, gave myself then he/she should commit.”

“What we have here… is like a junior high dance. . .boys on one side and girls on the other. Everybody’s looking and talking about who they wanna dance with, but nobody’s moving. Some of the boys go grab the girl that everyone thinks is easy and others follow suit. The girls grab the most popular or most handsome dude, but overlook the others…”

Albert was on to something and also trumpeted by several other men who’ve seen the jock have his pick while other guys just got picked over. We’re all past junior high but unfortunately not enough of us have changed the way we go about choosing mates.

Preston, my line brother from LU, added what everyone was thinking but not many dared to admit.  “The truth of it all is that most men are intimidated by black women that got it going on.”

Mayilyn, my high school classmate, echoed Preston’s theme then sprinkled some extra seasoning on top.

“As far as men, if a sister has it really going on, they get intimidated and feel like they don’t have anything to offer… How about love??”

Joe stopped by to bless us with his Top 10! I believe this one was the most prolific.  “…. she boxes herself in when she describes the type of black man she prefers…, height at least 6’3″… when the avg. height is 5′ 10″ or 11″ so that knocks out probably 85% of all black men. …he needs a six figure income…, (only 3% of black men make six figures)…. and he needs to be in church…. etc. But women ask [yourselves] this…. If a man was 6’3″ and had a decent income, are u a good fit for his dating profile?”

There were too many excellent comments to share but you can read the entire thread if your so inclined. J.R. asked me to remind female readers that “It can’t be the guy’s fault [when the relationship fails] every time! Really, EVERYTIME?” We also heard from Lisa that men don’t have to be 100% together cause there are women that are not 100% together but working on it. I think both should bring something to the table though and keep building.”

Men should be reminded that knowing and expecting issues to pop up is half the battle in accepting a mate with all of her flaws in tow. Beyonce’ isn’t perfect either. How do I know? Because she’s human! Issues come with every relationship and with every woman. Every single one!!

Marsha’s comment hung an exclamation point on a spirited but respectful thread.  “There’s nothing wrong with being single if that’s someone’s choice. But if it’s not our choice, everything’s wrong with it!”

If you’re wondering what your Facebook friends would say about the same topic. Caution: it will get hot!

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Long Distance Love “Bites”

Dear Victor,

The relationship I’ve been in for years is reaching an emotional boiling point for me and I’m not sure what to do.  My boyfriend travels a lot internationally.  Whenever he lands in a new city, at airports or checks into a hotel on business, he contacts me via Skype, Facetime, Facebook and the telephone.  We talk for hours at a time, a few days a week.  He says I’m always on my mind and constantly asks for picture of me doing simple things like relaxing in my den, leaving my house for work, having lunch and even shopping.

He can have any woman but goes out of his way to stay deeply embedded in my life.  I’m turning down other dates because I feel so close to him but I’m getting so lonely.  Although he swears he’s being faithful, I can’t be sure.  I know I sound crazy but I’m not, just severely confused on what to do.  I can’t go on like this.  What do you think?

Signed,

Long Distance Love “Bites”

Victor Said…         

Long Distance Love,

You would be shocked how many times a month I receive submissions similar to yours.  At some point in every relationship, women get confronted with the question of what to do when they feel a serious emotional attachment to a man but have no idea what happens next.  Sure, they want the romance to continue but only at a more definite pace or perhaps towards a more definite result.

You man appears to have a strong desire to stay connected in a way men do when we’re smitten.  He probably gets a spark every time he receives an email or picture from you.  Absence is not only making his heart grow fonder, I believe he wants you to be more prominent in him life.  Until that happens, he’s settling for pictures and long conversations when he can’t have you by his side.

I think it’s time to have ‘The Talk.’  Ask what his plans are for you, long and short term, then proceed from there.  And don’t be like many women who fear losing a man if the talk goes sideways.  That could only mean he had no long term plans to begin with. Sorry if that sounds kind of harsh but you did ask.  I’m just sayin’…

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My Military Misery

Dear Victor,

My heart is hurting and my marriage is in trouble.  Maybe you can provide some advice to help me fix my situation.  I’ve been married for four months and recently learned that I was pregnant.  My husband, who is in the military, went back to Afghanistan about four months ago.

Well, I should be happy about having a baby but I have a serious problem.  It’s even hard to admit as I send this email to you but I have nowhere else to turn.  A week before I got married, I agreed to get with an ex-boyfriend that one last time.  When the condom broke, I didn’t think much about it since I’d been told by my OBGYN that I couldn’t conceive.

Now there is a baby growing inside of me and I’m hiding it every day.  I can’t tell my family because they’ll assume it’s my husband’s and rightfully so but I’m not sure it’s his.  I try to speak up and share the news when we Skype but so far I just break down and cry.  I can’t even see straight through these tears anymore.  Please help me!

Signed,

My Military Misery

Victor Said….

Military Misery,

You certainly do need help, and prayer and forgiveness because you’ve beaten yourself up enough over this already.  According to the doctor, your baby is somewhat of a medical miracle and a gift that God wanted to bless you with.  Your situation is very unsettling because this should be the happiest time of your life and you’re risking pregnancy complications by carrying so much stress.

Since you’ve asked for my advice, I hope you receive it in the spirit I’m giving it; with honesty and grave concern.   You could tell the ex-boyfriend about the possibility of him being a father.  You could also share with the family and close friends how it went down then pray your husband sticks with you through all of this.  But, I suggest you keep quiet.  Take this time to share your joy with your child and your husband.  If it turns out the baby isn’t his, there will be more than enough time to deal with it then.  You will get past this.  It could be worse, twins.  I’m just sayin’…

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I Want A New Boo

Mr. Victor

I like this guy a lot.  He’s smart, fun, very cute, interesting and likes spending time with me.  I know he has other females who hang with him too.  Lately though, I’ve been getting a little jealous when I see pics of him on Facebook kicking it some of them.

How do I tell a man with lots of swagger and just as many chicks that I want to boo him up without messing things up?

Signed,

Wanna get boo’d up

Victor Said…

Get boo’d up,

I really like this submission and your desire to want more than you already have, although it sounds as if you’re thoroughly enjoying a casual situation as is.  Now to address your question: You obviously want to have a more serious relationship with this man and want to share how your feelings have evolved.

Thing is, asking for an alternative dating situation does change things.  If you want exclusivity, just tell him that you like him more than you planned and want him all to yourself.  I’m not sure what you think may get messed up unless you’re concerned about losing a spot in his rotation.   I’m just saying…

 

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Hot and Bothered!

Hey Victor,

I love your advice to other women so I’m asking a little for myself.  My question is not that serious but isn’t something I’m not comfortable asking my girls about.  I met a really good guy and we get along great so far.  I’ve played hard to get even though I’ve wanted to let nature take its course.  He doesn’t pressure me to give it up and he’s been the perfect gentleman when I’ve fallen asleep on the sofa at his house.  Also, he has respectfully taken his behind home after staying too late at my place.

The more this man respects my decision to wait, the more I find myself wanting to whip it on him.  I’d hate to mess up a good thing but I want to get it on as much as he does.  How many dates should I go on before getting sexually involved?

Signed,

Hot and Bothered

Victor Said…

Dear Hot and Bothered,

Thanks for the kind words.  I do what I can to help women get what they want out of relationships.  And, it appears you’re doing the best you can to keep your legs closed.  Congratulations for thinking your way through a difficult decision instead of leaving it up to nature’s discretion.

As you well know, single women are not even supposed to be contemplating when they’ll give it up unless it falls on her wedding night.  In the event you can’t wait, I would suggest a 90 days cooling off period.  That’s a decent probationary period to make sure this good dude is actually who you think he is instead of a slickster only pretending.

Listen H&B, grown folks do what grown folks do so watch your back and protect your front.  No glove, no love.  Don’t let your desires put you in a hurry to get buried.  I’m just sayin’…

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